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A dirty plate on the counter. A silence that goes on all evening. The argument two people know so well that each could say the other’s lines.
Every couple has one of its own. For some it is the dishes or the money. For others it is sex, children, work, or time. Whatever yours is about, the problem is real.
After fifty years as a psychologist and marriage counselor, I can tell you something about it. The trouble is not how often it happens. It is that it never ends. It comes back, whatever the subject.
And it keeps the same shape. One of you attacks and the other goes quiet. Or you both attack. Or you both go quiet. There are other shapes too, but these three are the ones I saw most often.
I call it the Couple’s Vicious Cycle. This book is not about changing your partner. It shows you how to find your own part in the Cycle and change that part. You can do that whether or not your partner ever joins you.
Chapter 1 begins with that dirty plate. You will meet the couple it belonged to, and you will find out what their fight was really about. It takes about twenty minutes to read. Please type your email here and I will send it to you.
The book itself is coming to Amazon on November 30. I will email you when it is there. The Kindle edition will be $0.99 for its first two months.
Ten short chapters. Each one ends with a few journal questions. You work with your own Vicious Cycle. Chapter by chapter, you discover what lies underneath your part in that Cycle and, with practice, learn to change it. Often, when your part changes, your partner’s changes too. This works whether you are in a relationship now, or on your own and working from a relationship you had, or one you can imagine.
The course covers the same ground as the book, broken into short screens you work through one at a time. You follow a role model through her own story, and apply what she, and you, learn to your own life. You practice with guided audio and exercises, and you write in a private journal only you can see. If you have purchased the book, Appendix B holds a discount code for the course.
One question has followed me through all the years of my work. Why do some people stay caught in painful patterns, while others keep learning and build lives and relationships they love?
I started as a research psychologist. I taught for four decades in the State University of New York system. And for fifty years I sat with individuals, couples, and families as a psychologist and marriage counselor.
I have watched these painful patterns play out thousands of times in my office. I have also watched people find their way out.
Those patterns show up most clearly in our closest relationships. So the book is about those relationships, and about the part each of us plays in them. It grew out of my therapeutic work, the Extraordinary Self courses, and my own life.
I hope it helps you see your own part in the Vicious Cycle, and shows you what to do instead.
If you want to go further than the book, there is a course. Toward an Extraordinary Relationship: The Course walks the same path as the book, one lesson at a time. You can take it without having read the book.
It is one of seven Extraordinary Self courses. The core course, Awaken 8 Key Abilities for Your Extraordinary Future, is built on the original Extraordinary Self Program, taught in person to thousands of people. The other six go deeper into one part of the 8 Key Abilities each: relationships, stress, self-talk, self-confidence, self-defeating patterns, and emotional resilience.
Every course is online and worked at your own pace. Each one has guided audio visualizations, workbook pages, role models, practice exercises, and a private journal only you can see. Each comes with a thirty-day, full-refund guarantee.
Why does something as small as a dirty plate have so much power? Chapter 1 answers that, in about twenty minutes. Click the button, enter your email, and I will send it to you.
P.S. If you are reading this late at night, after an evening that went the way those evenings usually go, here is what I would want you to know. Your painful patterns do keep coming back, and there is a reason. Chapter 1 gives you the reasons. If the book is not for you, you have lost twenty minutes. If it is, you will know by the second page.
Warmly,
Dr. Diane