A dirty plate left on the counter. A silence that lasts all evening. An exchange two people have had so many times that they both know what comes next.
Every couple has a version of their own. For some it is the dishes or the money. For others it is sex, children, work, or how much time to spend together. Whatever it is for you, the problem is real.
After fifty years as a psychologist and marriage counselor, I can tell you something about these moments. The trouble is not that they happen. The trouble is that the way you react to each other becomes a second problem. That second problem often gets in the way of solving the first.
Whatever the subject, your reactions often take the same shape. One of you attacks and the other withdraws. Or you both attack. Or you both withdraw. There are other shapes too, but these three are the ones I saw most often.
I call this repeating exchange the Couple’s Vicious Cycle. This book helps you discover and change the underlying roots of your part in the Cycle, and develop other ways to respond.
The book also teaches how to talk and listen to make sure that both people’s needs count, and how to build a stronger, more accepting relationship with yourself. Each is a step toward an Extraordinary Relationship, with your partner if that is possible. And if it is not, Chapter 9, “Hold or Fold?”, helps you think through whether to stay or to go.
Chapter 1 begins with that dirty plate. You will meet the couple it belonged to, and you will find out what their fight was really about. Please type your email here and I will send it to you.
The Kindle edition is on Amazon now for pre-order at $0.99, the price for its first two months. It arrives on your Kindle on November 30. No Kindle? The free Kindle app works on any phone, tablet, or computer. The paperback follows in early December.
Ten short chapters. Each one ends with a few journal questions. You work with your own Vicious Cycle. Chapter by chapter, you discover what lies underneath your part in that Cycle and, with practice, learn to change it. Often, when your part changes, your partner’s changes too. This works whether you are in a relationship now, or on your own and working from a relationship you had, or one you can imagine.
A private Facebook group for readers of the book and learners in any of the courses. Only members can see what is posted. Bring your own situation whenever you like, or just read. I read everything, and I answer most days. It is free.
The course covers the same ground as the book, broken into short screens you work through one at a time. You follow a role model through her own story, and apply what she, and you, learn to your own life. You practice with guided audio and exercises, and you write in a private journal only you can see. If you have purchased the book, Appendix B holds a discount code for the course.
One question has followed me through all the years of my work. Why do some people stay caught in painful patterns, while others keep learning and build lives and relationships they love?
I started as a research psychologist. I taught for four decades in the State University of New York system. And for fifty years I sat with individuals, couples, and families as a psychologist and marriage counselor.
I have watched these painful patterns play out thousands of times in my office. I have also watched people find their way out.
Those patterns show up most clearly in our closest relationships. So the book is about those relationships, and about the part each of us plays in them. It grew out of my therapeutic work, the Extraordinary Self courses, and my own life.
I hope the book helps you become aware of your own part in the Couple’s Vicious Cycle, and shows you what to do instead.
From there, the book can help you move toward an Extraordinary Relationship, one in which both people’s needs count. You will still disagree at times. But you can stay connected without losing yourself: you can say what is true for you, listen to what is true for your partner, and find your way back to each other.
If you want to go further than the book, there is a course. Toward an Extraordinary Relationship: The Course walks the same path as the book, one lesson at a time. You can take it without having read the book.
It is one of seven Extraordinary Self courses. The core course, Awaken 8 Key Abilities for Your Extraordinary Future, is built on the original Extraordinary Self Program, taught in person to thousands of people. The other six go deeper into one part of the 8 Key Abilities each: relationships, stress, self-talk, self-confidence, self-defeating patterns, and emotional resilience.
Every course is online and worked at your own pace. Each one has guided audio visualizations, workbook pages, role models, practice exercises, and a private journal only you can see. Each comes with a thirty-day, full-refund guarantee.
Why does something as small as a dirty plate have so much power? Chapter 1 answers that, in about twenty minutes. Click the button, enter your email, and I will send it to you.
P.S. If you are reading this late at night, after an evening that went the way those evenings usually go, here is what I would want you to know. Your painful patterns do keep coming back, and there is a reason. Chapter 1 gives you the reasons. If the book is not for you, you have lost twenty minutes. If it is, you will know by the second page.
Warmly,
Dr. Diane