When will the pain stop so I will feel better?
That’s a question so many have asked my partner, Donna, and I over the years, while helping those suffering the pain of breakup, divorce or toxic relationships. The question also comes from those still stuck in a toxic relationship.
Here is what I tell them. We can’t change the past. It’s gone forever. However, we can change the present, the future, and our emotional memories about the past. We can make changes so that we live in a state of happiness or at least satisfaction and contentment most of the time.
Since there is no time like the present, let’s start in the here and now. Anyone in emotional pain right now? Surely, pain hurts. But what is it? Emotional pain is our body/mind’s reaction to what we believe about a potentially negative situation. Let me explain.
We were born with emotions. You probably remember the basics – glad, mad, bad, scared, sad. When our mind labels a situation as insulting to, us we might feel bad and mad. When our mind says this person might leave us, we might feel sad and scared – or maybe even glad – depending on what we believe that situation means for us.
Changing Present Pain
These feelings are all body reactions to our interpretation of events in our lives. Feelings are felt in the body the same way that physical sensations are felt when we fall and feel our bruises, or when we flush with pleasure upon seeing a gorgeous sunset.
Our next post, Suffering is Optional, discusses the pain of suffering and more methods for changing that. We in the Extraordinary Self® Community have mastered many ways to stop the pain. You, too, can stop the pain. There are many ways.
- Primary, of course, is to change your interpretation of events. That doesn’t change the event. It changes what we believe about the event and about ourselves. Our mind lets us do this, but first we have to recognize our interpretation and realize that it is just one of many. Then we can shift the interpretation to be more useful. My friend and colleague Cindy was great at this. When younger, if a guy broke up with her, she first started feeling the pain of rejection. But then her brain kicked in with, “If he isn’t interested in me, he isn’t right for me, and it’s his loss anyway.” With that shift, she felt glad – or at least contented.
- After shifting your interpretation of a situation, you may notice that the pain lingers. That often means that there are underlying core beliefs that you still need to shift, such as the one called: “I am not good enough. I don’t deserve.” What a useless belief! Takes the stuffing out of you. That’s one you need to learn to shift. Remember, we were born worthwhile and later learned to feel unworthy. Thousands have shifted that belief to believing they are unconditionally worthy. You can too.
There are many other healthy and unhealthy ways of getting out of pain in the present. We hope you choose the healthy ways – such as visualizing the situation differently, shifting to deep slow breathing, doing physical exercise and focusing on what there is to learn from that painful situation.
Changing Past Pain
Changing past pain means examining the memories in your mind and learning to shift the meaning of them. There are many methods here. As example, if you look at your past in your mind from a distance – while taking 100% responsibility for your part in it – you might come to different conclusions. If you stop blaming, you might come to different conclusions. There are many ways to update your internal memories so that they do not flood you with pain. One example that I hear all the time: “My husband had an affair. How can I stay with him?” When the timing is appropriate, I help the client to focus on her own part in the relationship. That doesn’t fully cut the pain but it is a step in the right direction.
Changing Future Pain
“What?” You might be saying. “I cant change the future. It hasn’t happened yet.” That’s true but there are many ways to guard against a lot of needless future pain. Strategies start with learning to be more intentionally mindful of your thoughts, images, and feelings, and also what triggers them.
Once you are noticing your internal thoughts, images and feelings, you can more easily learn to shift them. As example, Jane had a pattern of feeling rejected when someone didn’t contact her for a while, That pattern started in her childhood. With more mindfulness, she was able to notice the beginning of the thoughts, images, and feelings of rejection, then shift them.
Next, she easily took action – such as calling a friend who was out of contact to find out what was going on in their relationship. Jane had developed a new pattern of unsticking from pain for her future self to use. We can all learn to do that. Stop the future pain by learning new strategies and methods for dealing with situations that trigger that pain.
In summary, there is a lot you can learn to do to change the pain and prove to yourself that Suffering is Optional! Donna and I did it. We know you can, too.
For You
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For more about changing your past, present and future pain, we invite you to sign up for our Free Webinar – How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Keys to Relationship Recovery and Reinvention, Thursday, March 6, 2025 at 6 PM EST.
In the meantime we invite you to download our Free E-book on toxic relationships.
And if you want to learn how to make suffering optional, want those deep changes and need help, we offer either private or group in-depth coaching programs. And for those on a budget, we offer self-study e-courses complete with deep visualizations for change and a role model to guide you through your changes (plus monthly contact with us). Visit Extraordinary Self to learn more.
About Us
Message from Dr. Diane Kramer
I am a psychologist, coach, marriage counselor, trainer, author and divorce mediator with more than 40 years of experience with helping people make deep changes. Based on “Suffering is Optional,” I developed the first Extraordinary Self Program in 2008 with a team to create positive change more quickly and thoroughly than traditional therapies. Our Extraordinary Self team has helped thousands. My life mission – I love to help people radiate self-love and confidence while developing the lives, careers and/or relationships they truly desire. I want this for you.
Message from Donna Anselmo, M.S.
I am a coach, trainer, author, marketing strategist and former AM/FM talk radio host who has partnered with Dr. Diane to expand and bring Extraordinary Self Programs, including our new Breakup and Divorce Recovery offerings, online. After also mastering the “Suffering is Optional” mindset, I have helped many to trade in the negative emotions holding them back for positive change, success, and satisfaction. My life mission – helping people unleash their inner resources, reinvent themselves, and launch the lives, careers and/or relationships they love. I look forward to helping you, too!