Really, suffering is optional? Isn’t that ridiculous? That’s what I used to think. How about you? What do you think about the statement: “Suffering is Optional!”
I always knew that when things went wrong, my bad feelings acted up and I felt bad – I suffered. My bad feelings ranged from anxiety, anger and jealousy to guilt or shame. The bad feelings I felt depended on what was happening out there, or so I thought. If my husband criticized me unfairly, I felt inadequate and then angry and superior in an endless Vicious Cycle.
When younger, if someone rejected me, I felt hurt. If I wasn’t top of my class, I felt guilty and inadequate. I asked myself what was wrong with me. If two friends went off without me, I felt jealous. If I didn’t get picked for a team, I felt low self-worth and shame. Those were my feelings and I felt them deeply in my body. What about you? Any negative feelings that repeat over and over?
Feelings are Feelings, Aren’t They?
But then one day, my friend Jeremy came back from a transformational self-development program and announced to me in his British accent: “Diane, suffering is optional.” I said: “What are you talking about? Feelings are feelings. You can’t just turn off your feelings. “Jeremy answered with: “I’ll show you.” He did, and I learned.
So what did I learn? Step by step, here it is: I first learned what feelings are. Simplifying, I learned that my feelings are body reactions to the meaning I am making about a given situation, often at an unconscious level.
So what did I learn? Step by step, here it is: I first learned what feelings are. Simplifying, I learned that my feelings are body reactions to the meaning I am making about a given situation, often at an unconscious level.
Let me share a clear example. – In adolescence, my two close friends sometimes made plans without me. The meaning I made of the situation was that they didn’t find me interesting and loveable, and I was on the distant outside. My feelings in reaction were feeling lonely, feeling ashamed about who I was and feeling unimportant and inadequate. I suffered in this situation – and had suffered in every similar one way back to when I was a little girl (until I learned to shift my feelings by following in Jeremy’s footsteps). Ever have a similar experience?
Another example – When my (now ex) husband criticized me, as he did frequently, I felt inadequate and low self-worth. On top of that feeling, I started to feel angry and then superior to my then husband. I fought back in Vicious Cycle recurring attacks. The meaning I was making of the situation was that something was wrong with me but it was unfair and he should change and be nicer.
I was in a miserable marriage as a result, mirroring my childhood interactions with my mother. It was my old story. What is yours? Do you know?
Feelings Depend on Meaning
In other words, whatever situation was happening out there, it was the meaning I was making about it that set off my feelings, not the situation itself. And according to Jeremy, I could change the meaning I was making of the situation.
At that point I was still skeptical but was eager to find out what else Jeremy wanted me to learn.
Next, Jeremy taught me to step back or dissociate from my inner feeling states. Those bad feeling states, including stress reactions, felt so real that it was hard to detach. Not a difficult concept to understand but it takes real practice to be able to step out of feelings. I practiced with many different mental tools until I figured out ones that worked for me.
Tools for Detaching
The first tool I always use when I am caught up in a bad feeling, or stress reaction, is deep breathing. Focusing off the situation and onto deeper breathing often helps. If changing my breathing doesn’t work, I turn to the few that have worked well for me in the past, out of hundreds, or even thousands, possible. One I use often is based on an old Buddhist practice called Noting. In Noting, you focus on the sensations in your body rather than the situation that is triggering off your feelings. You then voice the sensations out loud as you notice them – until they fade away.
Example: You might notice and say something like: My stomach is queasy and feels empty in the middle. Around the edges it feels frazzled. There is a heavy tightness across my upper chest about a foot across. It now feels warm in my chest. I notice I can slow my breathing down. I do so and that helps send the warmth out to my arms. My stomach still feels empty but a bit less so. Now I am focused on the sensations in the top of my head and my face is sweating. Breathing deeply, my stomach starts to feel calm and full. I imagine it filled with love. I realize I feel good, loving and whole.
Go ahead and try it. What happens? Keep trying until you get a positive result.
Above is just one example of how I learned to detach or step out from a painful feeling state. Another powerful method is to imagine the painful situation as a movie in your mind, See yourself in the movie and then imagine turning the movie quickly one way and then another faster and faster until the feelings start to fade inside you. A third way is to imagine a thick wall of ice between you and your feelings. Imagine the ice melting along with the feelings, mixing together and disappearing into the ocean. There are thousands of ways to detach from your feeling states.
Once I was detached from my feelings and calmer, I began to examine the meaning I was making of the situation, including the beliefs that I assumed to be true. In the example with my two friends, I realized that two friends going off together did not mean that they did not want to be my friend. I could be their friend but didn’t need to always be included. I also realized that I was loveable even if my friends went off without me.
In the example with my then husband, I convinced myself that I was loveable and ok, in spite of my husband and his criticisms. Once I felt good enough, I quickly divorced my then husband. I realized I felt so good and confident that I could go out in the world alone to discover what I really wanted in life.
Can you change the meaning now of some negative belief you have or negative situation?
It’s Your Turn – Suffering is Optional!
Now it’s your turn. Think now about the meaning you are making of situations that are causing you to feel bad or stressed. If you want to shift your feelings, including stress reactions, then follow Jeremy’s directions:
1. When suffering, get mindful and notice your sensations in your body.
2. Find a method that works to detach from your feelings.
3. Examine the underlying meaning you are making of the situation, including your limiting beliefs.
4. Shift that meaning and those beliefs. Sometimes it works to shift the meaning before detaching from the feelings. In any case, the trick is to notice when you are stuck in suffering asap.
When I first learned all this, I needed further coaching help to find the methods that allow me to detach from my feelings. Plus, I needed help to challenge the meaning and beliefs I was making of the situation causing me pain. I found help and learned that worked for me.
Years later, I am able to shift out of almost all emotional suffering fairly quickly. What is interesting is once I make a change in meaning of a situation and check it out in reality, it seems to be permanent.
In summary, there is a lot you can learn to do to change the pain and prove to yourself that Suffering is Optional! Donna and I did it. We know you can, too.
For You
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About Us
Message from Dr. Diane Kramer
I am a psychologist, coach, marriage counselor, trainer, author and divorce mediator with more than 40 years of experience with helping people make deep changes. Based on “Suffering is Optional,” I developed the first Extraordinary Self Program in 2008 with a team to create positive change more quickly and thoroughly than traditional therapies. Our Extraordinary Self team has helped thousands. My life mission – I love to help people radiate self-love and confidence while developing the lives, careers and/or relationships they truly desire. I want this for you!
Message from Donna Anselmo, M.S.
I am a coach, McGraw-Hill published author, marketing strategist who served as an AM/FM talk radio host for 10 years. I have partnered with Dr. Diane to expand and bring Extraordinary Self Programs, including our new Breakup and Divorce Recovery offerings, online. After also mastering the “Suffering is Optional” mindset, I have helped many to trade in the negative emotions holding them back for positive change, success, and satisfaction. My life mission – helping people unleash their inner resources, reinvent themselves, and launch the lives, careers and/or relationships they love. I look forward to helping you, too!