Wondering how you’ll get through it?
In having helped so many go through relationship struggles, breakup and divorce, we, Dr. Diane and Donna, offer you our advice for How To Get Over a Breakup. Everyone is different, of course. However, in our practice, those suffering from relationship breakup fall into two general categories: 1. Still Going Through the Pain and Disruption, and 2. Ready for Reinvention. (Please skip to the Ready for Reinvention section if you have gotten through your “emotional divorce” and are ready to rebuild.)
Still Going Through the Pain and Disruption? Breaking up is hard to do. We know. We have been there and done that. So, hoow do you get through it and out into the light of reinvention as best you can? Here are some pointers that have worked for our clients.
Acceptance – Accept that you are going to feel a variety of emotions. They include relief, anger, frustration, stress, blame, fear, guilt, distress, shame. Again everyone is different. Fighting the feelings is self-defeating. Best is to accept the feelings and realize they are just feelings, brought on by the tearing apart of the fabric of your life.
Feelings are based on deeper beliefs – so it is important when you feel better to explore those deeper beliefs and shift to more positive and self-affirming ones.
Support – Now is the time to reach out to friends, family, groups and professional help if you need it. Going it alone keeps the feelings going round and round inside. Instead find people who understand, support and soothe. You will feel better sooner and be ready to get on with the new.
Letting Go – Once the past is gone, it’s gone. Holding on fills an empty hole within, but it fills it with longing, regret, anger, frustration and blame. Take Fran – her husband of 22 years stole Fran’s mother’s inheritance to make a bad investment. Fran had had enough and divorced him. But she could not let go. She plotted revenge for years and finally drove her ex into bankruptcy. Meanwhile, she could not establish a loving relationship with anyone else. Fran needed to live in the present and let go of the past.
Healthy Activities – Keeping yourself filled with new and old experiences that shift your energy and feelings is not escape. Rather it is vital for you to relieve and release your negative emotions so that you do not burn out from negativity and stress. So eating healthy, going to the gym, walking, biking, and dancing will get your positive endorphins flowing and help with the healing process. A change of scene with a visit to an old friend or place you have always wanted to see can help. Now is the time to invest in yourself.
Spoil Yourself a Bit – If you can, visit a spa, buy a new wardrobe, redecorate your place or invest in something delicious for you. On a budget? Choose a book, a movie, or a bubble bath to enjoy. The point is to spend time doing something just for you. Self-care is so important for shifting your energies to self-love and self-compassion.
Self-Compassion – Nobody wants to be in a bad relationship. Our past, especially our childhood relationships, often set us up for failure later. So for now, feel compassion for what you are going through. And later on, it will be very important that you understand and change the patterns that set you up for failure.
Ready for Reinvention?
At some point, you will be ready for reinvention. It will come when the empty hole has healed a bit and you are just feeling twinges of bad feelings – rather than immersed in those bad feelings all day and night.
Once you reach the readiness for reinvention point, you are at a crossroads. You can either maintain the same old beliefs and patterns that led you to your bad relationship in the first place or you can commit to reinventing.
Once you recognize that choice and choose reinvention, you enter the world of self or personal development. In our free webinar How to Get Over a Breakup: Three Keys to Relationship Recovery and Reinvention, we outline the three keys that are essential for that reinvention. Here is a short version of the three keys:
Understanding and Changing the Past – Obviously the past does not exist anymore, so changing the past refers to changing what is in your mind – beliefs and experiences from childhood that are influencing your choices. For instance, if you grew up feeling unworthy, you will choose a relationship based on your level of unworthiness. Learn to feel better about you and your choices and decisions automatically shift to the better for you.
As example, Kerry held the belief that all men were manipulative and arrogant based on her father’s behavior in childhood. Somehow she only dated men like that. Then she learned to change her belief to “While some men may be manipulative and arrogant, not all are. There are plenty of good ones out there. I need to find them.” Kerry then began to evaluate each man she met more carefully and soon was in a good relationship.
Changing the Present – How do you change the present? Through learning to change your beliefs and feelings in the moment. For instance, learning to self-love and feel worthy under any circumstance gives you that present freedom. You will feel good no matter what.
And if you get triggered into negativity, you will learn to quickly get yourself out and into a more positive space. It is very possible to do this. We, Donna and Dr. Diane, have taught thousands to make those shifts in our Extraordinary Self Programs, based on the principle that Suffering is Optional!
Changing the Future – There are those who let the future happen, and those who cause the future to happen – their way. To create the future, you need mission and purpose, goals and plans. You need to learn to troubleshoot when obstacles and blocks pop up and when that happens, you will reach your goals, one tiny step at a time, learning as you go.
Actually, you will only reach your goals that are within your control or influence. We can’t reach goals that are based on another person or persons. Not in our control! For instance, Georgia learned she could not set a goal for a certain man to ask her out. That was out of her control. Instead she could learn to make herself as attractive as possible to a certain kind of man and go for it. She however could not control the other person.
Where are you now? Immersed in the breakup aftermath or ready for reinvention? We hope this article has helped a bit. And we, Dr. Diane and Donna, are here if you need help.
About Us
Message from Dr. Diane Kramer
I am a psychologist, coach, marriage counselor, trainer, author and divorce mediator with more than 40 years of experience with helping people make deep changes. Based on “Suffering is Optional,” I developed the first Extraordinary Self Program in 2008 with a team to create positive change more quickly and thoroughly than traditional therapies. Our Extraordinary Self team has helped thousands. My life mission – I love to help people radiate self-love and confidence while developing the lives, careers and/or relationships they truly desire. I want this for you!
Message from Donna Anselmo, M.S.
I am a coach, author, business strategist, and former AM/FM talk radio host who has partnered with Dr. Diane to expand and bring Extraordinary Self Programs, including our new Breakup and Divorce Recovery offerings, online. After also mastering the “Suffering is Optional” mindset, I have helped many to trade in the negative emotions holding them back for positive change, success, and satisfaction. My life mission – helping people unleash their inner resources, reinvent themselves, and launch the lives, careers and/or relationships they love. I look forward to helping you, too!
For You
Stay in the know with our News and Blog Alerts. Sign up now.
For more about changing your past, present and future pain, we invite you to register for our Free Webinar – How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Keys to Relationship Recovery and Reinvention,
March 6th, 2025 at 6 PM EST.
In the meantime we invite you to download our Free E-book on toxic relationships.
And if you want to learn how to make suffering optional, want those deep changes and need help, we offer either private or group in-depth coaching programs. And for those on a budget, we offer self-study e-courses complete with deep visualizations for change and a role model to guide you through your changes (plus monthly contact with us). Visit Extraordinary Self to learn more.