Trying to Decide about a Divorce?
Welcome – I am guessing that you are reading this because you are in the in-between stage, meaning that you haven’t braved the divorce barrier to get to the other side.
Maybe this article will help. But why me? What gives me the right to say I am an expert? First, I have been a psychologist, marriage counselor and divorce mediator for more than 35 years. And second, I have been through divorce twice and then entered into an extraordinary marital relationship for the last 30+ years. Along the way, myself and my partner Donna Anselmo brought online several Toxic Relationships, Breakup and Divorce Recovery/Reinvention programs, based on our award-winning Extraordinary Self Programs. Over the years, we have helped thousands of people get to more satisfaction and fulfillment in their lives, careers, and relationships. The heart of our programs is that “Suffering is Optional!” More about that later.
First, everyone is different regarding when to get a divorce or to breakup. Some people never breakup or divorce because they are used to dysfunction and suffering that it is familiar territory. They can’t imagine anything different. Others are ready once they are convinced there is nothing left but a hopeless future. Still others get help and get stronger. With lots of self-love and self-confidence, moving through the fear barrier to the other side becomes a risk possible to take – and they move ahead. I hope this article will give you some ideas about what you need to do to get ready and then leave, if that is your desire:
Have You Had Enough Pain and Suffering?
Are you in a lot of pain from your relationship or from leaving it? Have you suffered enough? One of my colleagues says it is time to leave when staying in your marriage is worse than leaving – even though you don’t know what is going to happen if you leave, causing tremendous anxiety.
It took me 2 years to break through my “fear barrier” and leave my first husband – once I finally came to the conclusion that staying was going to be far worse than leaving. I really tried to stay in the marriage and make do. I distracted myself for years with a home, a child, a new job and a circle of friends. I went to years of therapy to find out why I couldn’t make the marriage work.
Finally, I stopped hiding from myself and my feelings. I just didn’t love him enough, but had married for my own dependency needs. Fearing to be alone in the world after college, I had jumped into the marriage because of my own insecurities, and not because of love and caring. I did not feel worthy and self-respecting enough to go for what I really wanted in a mate. Sad but true – until I finally decided that a long life of settling due to my insecurities was too painful to contemplate, leading me to break through the “fear barrier” into the unknown.
What about you? What is your story? What about your relationship is not working for you, specifically? And what is your part in that relationship? Do you know? It is really important to get clear on how the part you play affects you and your relationship. Right now, please stop reading and reflect on your part in what is not working. Is it something you can work on within yourself such as your insecurities or is it the other person or both? Knowing these truths will give more information for your decision as to when – or whether – to divorce. A useful belief to repeat to yourself over and over is “I don’t need to suffer so much. We all deserve to have a happy life.”
Do You Need to Recognize and Stop The Vicious Cycle In Order to Decide to Divorce Or Not?
Pain and suffering in those 75% of marriages that are unsatisfying usually starts slowly and gets worse over time. Why? Because one or both sides blame the other for what they are not getting. And in the frustration and anger of not getting needs met, each individual either gets angry and attacks, or withdraws into cold silence or condescension and put downs. This gets worse over time.
In good marriages, the couples know themselves well and communicate their needs clearly and calmly, making sure each is satisfied as best they can. And they each know that some needs, such as self-respect and worthiness, have to come from within to be genuine. The other person can help but each person needs a foundation of self-love and self-respect.
Reflecting now on your relationship, what is the Vicious Cycle like? Is it attack and attack and then pull back into calm, or is it attack and avoid, with the attacker calming down and the avoider coming forward only as calm returns. Knowing the Vicious Cycle and your part in it opens an opportunity for healing. Many of my clients, for instance, have learned to stop their part in the Vicious Cycle, calm themselves, and talk about what they need without attacking or avoiding. Sometimes that works and the other spouse really listens and responds. Do you want to give it a try? Maybe you don’t need to decide to divorce at all. Is that a possibility?
Do You Need To Take 100% Responsibility Before Making a Decision to Divorce?
I have had clients who are waiting for their spouses to give them permission to divorce. One client even had her lawyer send a letter home to her husband, asking for the divorce. When my client returned home, her husband had torn up the letter and gathered the family. They all had told her why she could not get a divorce – planned family cruise, daughter graduating from medical school, son getting married, etc. My client gave in – but temporarily. Once she built up her self-worth and self-respect and took 100% responsibility for her life and future, she left her husband – a doctor who used to tie her up and hold a gun to her head during sex.
Now it’s your turn. Take a moment to think about what is stopping you from getting a divorce now. Is it something you need to fix within yourself? When fixed, will you be ready for divorce? Or maybe ready for rebuilding your marriage. Key here is taking 100% responsibility for your part! What is stopping you? Low self-worth, insecurity, passivity, dependence, fear of the future, Vicious Cycle where you feel good in between. Or is it all the other? Or mostly? Is the trouble something you could fix? Is it broken beyond repair? Or is it a marriage you would never have chosen if you were more secure or worthy or self-respecting or loving of you? Knowing the answers will tell you what you need to change before pulling the divorce trigger, if that is your choice.
Is The Cost of Leaving Stopping You From Divorce?
Sometimes clients of mine haven’t moved forward to divorce because of money, or the children or the larger community. It is true that it takes more to live in two separate households. It is important to know what you will get in a divorce settlement. If you aren’t making enough to sustain yourself now, it will be important to improve your skills and then look for a higher paying job. Not always easy but worth working toward.
If the issue is the children, there is no best time. Instead, all research on divorce shows that so long as you and your spouse keep the best interests of your children in mind and don’t bad mouth each other, the children will do as well later on as kids from intact families.
As for what others will say, is the shame or guilt of breaking up the family an obstacle for you? If so, remember you only live once. You have a right to your own happiness and life satisfaction.
Stop here and reflect. Are you not divorcing because of money, the children, or what others think? If its money, start figuring out now how to make more, even if it is a longer term plan. If its your kids, remember that it’s how you and your spouse act negatively and talk about each other around the kids that is a problem for them – not the actual divorce.
Are You Waiting for Another To Show Up Before Divorcing?
Sometimes people wait to leave until they find another person to go to. Problem is 95% of the time those rebound relationships fail. Then you have to face all the anxiety of the unknown – and your own aloneness. Better to get stronger in yourself before deciding it is time to divorce. We will talk about that below.
Do You Have Too Much Fear Of An Unknown Future?
One of the reasons for not moving forward is fear of being alone and the unknown. Is this your concern? If so, the best way through is to work on strengthening yourself and visualizing alternative possible futures – just a couple. Because if your brain is filled with images of the future, you will feel less anxious. Then it will get clearer when to divorce.
Is Betrayal The Issue Pushing You To Divorce?
If your spouse has cheated, now what? Is this cause for divorce action? Well, it depends. As a coach and therapist, I have helped many couples repair their marriage after infidelity. It takes commitment and a desire to repair the damage on both sides – each person taking 100% responsibility for their part. To forgive the infidelity, the spouse needs time, needs to really understand the deeper issues that caused the infidelity and needs to learn to give real need satisfaction to the other – as well as get it.
So infidelity does not have to mean time for divorce – if you get the right help. But forgiveness is not for everyone. If you are not able to deal with the infidelity, perhaps it’s time for divorce.
Do You Need Self-Repair Before Taking Action?
Earlier in this article, I mentioned that Suffering is Optional! Once you learn how to detach from the negative into a mindful calm space, you can examine your inner self more easily and learn to replace pain with self-worth and self-love.
Turns out the more you learn to feel unconditionally worthy and self-loving, the more the pain will recede and the easier it is to make the big decision to leave.
Why? Because when you feel truly loving of self, you will gain tremendous confidence in moving forward into the future. Self-love easily replaces anxiety.
I, and my partner Donna, have helped many learn to feel better about themselves and then make the decision to leave the marriage. I remember one case where the woman came in talking about major anxiety attacks. They occurred daily at 3:00. When I asked her how her life was going, she told me that all was fine except her husband abused her.
I gently helped her see that her anxiety attacks were signals of a deep inner conflict between her desire to leave her husband and her fear of being alone. She had terribly low self-worth. Once we started working on that issue, her anxiety attacks disappeared. And when she was able to feel and believe her unconditional worthiness, she felt strong enough to leave her abusive husband.
Take a moment now to reflect on your worthiness. Where is it on a scale of 10 to 1, with 1 being the lowest self-worth? The higher you are in worthiness, no matter what is happening externally, the more confident with your ability to handle life, no matter what happens. Do you need to work on your worthiness as a path to the decision to divorce?
Final word – The more worthy you feel about you, and the more you have a plan, the easier it will be to chose the date to get through that “fear barrier” and move toward divorce. On the other hand, feeling worthy and learning to stay calm and to communicate better can go a long way to improving a relationship if you don’t want to leave.
If you want to learn how to make suffering optional, be sure to come to our free webinar.
For You
Please sign up for our News and Blog Alerts.
For more about changing your past, present and future pain, we invite you to sign up for our Free Webinar – How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Keys to Relationship Recovery and Reinvention, Feb. 13 at 6 PM EST.
In the meantime we invite you to download our Free E-book on toxic relationships.
And if you want to learn how to make suffering optional, want those deep changes and need help, we offer either private or group in-depth coaching programs. And for those on a budget, we offer self-study e-courses complete with deep visualizations for change and a role model to guide you through your changes (plus monthly contact with us). Visit Extraordinary Self to learn more.
About Us
Message from Dr. Diane Kramer
I am a psychologist, coach, marriage counselor, trainer, author and divorce mediator with more than 40 years of experience with helping people make deep changes. Based on “Suffering is Optional,” I developed the first Extraordinary Self Program in 2008 with a team to create positive change more quickly and thoroughly than traditional therapies. Our Extraordinary Self team has helped thousands. My life mission – I love to help people radiate self-love and confidence while developing the lives, careers and/or relationships they truly desire. I want this for you.
Message from Donna Anselmo, M.S.
I am a coach, McGraw-Hill published author, marketing strategist and former AM/FM talk radio host who has partnered with Dr. Diane to expand and bring Extraordinary Self Programs, including our new Breakup and Divorce Recovery offerings, online. After also mastering the Suffering is Optional mindset, I have helped many to trade in the negative emotions holding them back for positive change, success, and satisfaction. My life mission – helping people unleash their inner resources, reinvent themselves, and launch the lives, careers and/or relationships they love. I look forward to helping you, too!