I (Dr. Diane) have been a marriage counselor and relationship coach for more than 35 years. When I first started out, I was shocked by how many relationships failed. The divorce rate has been at 50% for years. And, according to research, another 25% of marriages are unhappy. Why so many? What sets so many relationships up for failure? I was curious and believed it important to know.
Every Couple Had Vicious Cycle Pattern
Over the years of my practice, I began to notice a recurring pattern of relationship failure. This pattern didn’t happen sometimes – or even a lot. It was the pattern in EVERY one of the couples and individuals I saw. Amazing! Now when a possible client calls me for some help, right away I point out their recurring pattern to them. Every last one of them says: “Yes, that is us!” As you can guess, almost everyone who calls signs up for my help.
I came to call this repeat pattern of negativity the “Vicious Cycle”. It seems that when the Vicious Cycle repeats itself enough times, getting worse and worse, it reaches the point of no return. Most of these couples either go to therapy as a last ditch effort – or end their relationship. If it is an individual who reaches out for help, more than likely a divorce will follow – unless the mate agrees to some help.
So what is this powerful “Vicious Cycle’? Why does it occur? And what can you do about it?
How Does Vicious Cycle Start?
Let’s start at the beginning – briefly. Every single one of us is born with needs to be satisfied by others. We are totally dependent on the outside world for feeding, changing, staying warm, and that well researched need – contact comfort. Later on our needs increase. We need attention, approval, acceptance, respect, boundaries, encouragement, nurturing, feedback, guidance, limits and love, love, love.
When not enough of our needs are met, depending on who we are, we get angry and strike out. Or we cling and try to become perfect, hoping at some level that our needs will be filled. Or we withdraw into our own being and find ways of taking care of ourselves, giving up the need, at least temporarily, to be loved and nurtured. Of course, these personality styles are further altered by our interactions with significant authority figures. So for example, if our parents are kind and loving to us and give us what we need but only when we give in to them, we might develop the submissive pleaser style. Or when we attack, causing our parents to give in to us, we might become bullying attackers later on. Or if we withdraw and they try to control us, we might become very oppositional to others.
So who we are and what happens to us in childhood determines our relationship style. Using my examples, we might end up as a relationship attacker, one who gives in to please, or a distancer – when our needs aren’t met.
How does that lead to the Vicious Cycle? We enter into adult relationships with some needs we have often gotten fulfilled and others not so. Now we are faced with another person – who might be a need satisfier or need denier – depending on their relationship style. Lets take our 3 examples, remembering that these are just examples:
Vicious Cycle Examples
Let’s say Mary is a relationship attacker and her husband, Jim, is also a relationship attacker. When either of them doesn’t get their needs for respect met, for example, instead of figuring out how to communicate with their mate so he or she really hears the need, Mary or Jim feels hurt and unloved, and attacks. The other, seeing their mate as an unfair attacker, attacks back. Once they both cool down, the pattern easily starts up again. After awhile, Mary and Jim each unconsciously predict how the other will treat them and are ready to attack on the slightest provocation. Each feels justified in their attacks. After all, needs aren’t being met. And so it goes, while the Vicious Cycle pattern gets worse and worse over time.
But what if you end up with a relationship distancer who withdraws when needs aren’t being met. Maybe you tend to give in to please. So you try harder and harder to satisfy the other person’s needs, never knowing what they really are. Why? The other habitually withdraws when his or her needs are not being met. You feel hurt and frustrated and perhaps unworthy. The Vicious Cycle keeps escalating.
Breaking Out Of The Vicious Cycle
Once the Vicious Cycle is in full swing, there is rarely a way to break through except with some professional help. What happens with professional help? There are steps. Each learns to voice their needs with emotion, but without flying off the handle, giving in or attacking. Voicing needs leads to the next step of asking for what you want. And it leads to the parallel step of your partner listening and developing empathy for what you need and never got. Of course, you guessed it! The next step after that is for you and your partner to actually satisfy each other’s needs. Finally there is acknowledgement and thanks for new need satisfaction and a growing understanding of why it did not happen earlier in the relationship.
Can you stop the Vicious Cycle yourself? Yes, under two conditions. It is early enough in the cycle that you are not harboring horrible resentment and anger. And two, that you learn to distance or detach from the Vicious Cycle feelings so that you can stay calm and present a different face to your partner – no attacking or distancing or giving in. Then you have a chance to break the cycle, but remember, it also depends on your partner.
Give it a try! And if you need help, we offer the following:
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Message from Dr. Diane Kramer
I am a psychologist, coach, marriage counselor, trainer, author and divorce mediator with more than 40 years of experience with helping people make deep changes. Based on “Suffering is Optional,” I developed the first Extraordinary Self Program in 2008 with a team to create positive change more quickly and thoroughly than traditional therapies. Our Extraordinary Self team has helped thousands. My life mission – I love to help people radiate self-love and confidence while developing the lives, careers and/or relationships they truly desire. I want this for you.
Message from Donna Anselmo, M.S.
I am a coach, McGraw-Hill published author, marketing strategist, and former AM/FM talk radio host who has partnered with Dr. Diane to expand and bring Extraordinary Self Programs, including our new Breakup and Divorce Recovery offerings, online. After also mastering the “Suffering is Optional” mindset, I have helped many to trade in the negative emotions holding them back for positive change, success, and satisfaction. My life mission – helping people unleash their inner resources, reinvent themselves, and launch the lives, careers and/or relationships they love. I look forward to helping you, too!