Like many of you, I failed at one relationship after another – until I went through a life-changing personal transformation and found the perfect one for me. We have been happy with each other for almost 35 years. Here is my story:
On the outside, I looked like I was doing fine. A psychologist with a private consulting practice and a college professor position, I had a lovely daughter, many friends, a beautiful home, money, and the ability to attract men. However, that was the surface level.
Underneath, I was in the pit of despair. Feeling hopeless and worthless after many failed relationships and two painful divorces, I was left longing for love. After leaving my second marriage, I found it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Laying there, pitying myself and feeling the anxiety of no one in my future, I heard my critical inner judge berating me with: ”There is something wrong with you. You are worthless. No one whom you want will ever want to love you.”
I wonder what your painful self-talk is like? Hopefully, you do not beat yourself up as much as I did.
Laying in bed, some part of me refused to give up on me. This higher spiritual part said: “Figure out the problem and solve it! You are not stupid. You are lovable. You are supposed to be in a loving relationship.” Deciding to follow this inner voice, I put on my big girl pants and went to therapy, coaching, and self-development programs to discover what was causing my “love failure”.
Mindful reflection leads to insight.
One day, reflecting mindfully, I went deep inside and finally found the core beliefs responsible for my misery. Believing “I don’t deserve.” and “I am not as good as…” arose into my conscious mind as conclusions that I had held unconsciously since my childhood. I was shocked that I harbored such negative beliefs about me.
Apparently, I had developed these beliefs when faced with a cold, critical ignoring mother and a father who left me to become my younger brother’s best friend. Attempting to please and to be perfect got me nowhere in this “unloving to me” family. I could never get the affection or reassurance I craved. In my mind, no one in my family cared about me no matter what I did.
Later on, these core beliefs about me – “I don’t deserve,” and I am not as good as …” acted as self-fulfilling prophecies, causing me to choose men who confirmed those very beliefs. As a child, I had imagined being stung with swarms of wasps. By my relationship choices, those swarms followed me into adulthood.
Given my newfound insights, I went to work on challenging and changing my inner beliefs, certain that they were the key to my finding a loving relationship. I kept working on myself to believe that I did deserve, that I was lovable and that I was as good as … How did I do this? One thing was to play self-affirming audios every morning. I also looked in the mirror a number of times a day and told myself I was lovable. There were many other strategies.
Changing beliefs is essential to turning around negative self-talk.
With constant attention to changing beliefs, I finally did it. I reached a high level of inner peace and Unshakeable Self-Worth after a couple of years of challenging and changing my negative limiting beliefs. Along the way, I learned to interrupt my self-talk and turn it positive. Stepping out and detaching from my bad feelings allowed me to deal well with the threat of rejection and not being loved. Armed with these anti-rejection resources, I gathered my courage and went for what I really wanted in a relationship.
I actually created an action plan to find the man I wanted. Getting clear on what I wanted and didn’t want and why, I went looking for the target in places I loved.
Scared – actually petrified – inside, I decided my outcome was stronger than my fear. Finally in conducting my search at Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, a tall man came up to me at the end of a seminar and said, “I am very attracted to you.”
To my utter amazement, Fred fit ALL my extensive and rather odd criteria. The right man had to be a lawyer, a computer expert, a practitioner of an ancient religion, and more. Now, 35 years later as we are growing older together, all I can say is, “Thank you, Universe!”
Changing my core beliefs not only opened me to my soulmate but also allowed me to thrive in my career. I started a technology company and developed an e-Course platform. Then, based on my experiences regarding transformation and change, I co-created the Extraordinary Self Transformation Programs with my partner, Donna Anselmo, M.S., to help others find inner satisfaction, outer success and loving relationships. Our programs start from the inside out and have helped thousands to live the lives they didn’t even know they deserve.
Want to reinvent yourself and/or your relationships?
Are you looking to transform your relationship or heal after a breakup? If so, please explore our Breakup and Divorce Recovery Program: Comprehensive Journey to Personal Growth and Extraordinary Success: Steps to Reinvention. This immersive program offers group, private and self-study options to meet individual needs.
Dr. Diane Kramer, holds a Ph.D. in Psychology from New York University. She is an excellent listener, kind, compassionate and empathic. Her specialty is being able to quickly spot what is needed to lead each client to personal transformation.
Dr. Diane has been a marital therapist, divorce mediator, professor of psychology and relationship coach for 30 years as well as co-founder of the Extraordinary Self Transformation Programs. She is author of The Creativity Game book and has won numerous awards for her Extraordinary Self Programs, www.extraordinaryself.com, and her e-learning platform.