“How can I recreate or reinvent myself when I am so broken?” asked one of our clients. She had hired me to help her reinvent her life after her most recent marital breakup. Holly (not her real name) had already been married two times and had gone through as many relationships as the women starring in Sex and the City. Given the amount of love pain she had experienced at each breakup, Holly thought of herself as a loser in terms of relationships.
At 48, Holly had had zero, that’s right zero, really loving relationships. Why? While she easily attracted men, she always attracted the same toxic relationship type.
The Pattern
Given Holly’s lack of emotional stability, whenever she began to feel unloving of herself, insecure, and needing of someone to cling to, Holly turned on the charmer part of herself, went out, and hooked a new man. That man was always the take-charge type who brought Holly some emotional stability – but at a price. The price to pay was being controlled by this same strong type of man.
For a while, that suited Holly just fine. Needing that strong energy, she borrowed from it and let herself be controlled. However, as time passed, in each relationship, Holly’s authentic self would start to emerge. She felt stronger and started to assert her own choices. Intense conflict followed. Finally the walls of anger on both sides became too strong and the couple called it relationship quits.
Did Holly learn from repeating the same pattern over and over? No, because she was not self-aware of the pattern. She had no idea that she needed to (or even could) create change in herself and create change regarding her choices of men.
In divorce coaching with me, Holly learned many ways of reinventing herself. She was determined to change and not repeat the same mistakes ever again. After healing from her divorce, she applied her energies to re-creating her life.
7 Ways that Holly Transformed and Recreated Herself
- Commitment to Change – Holly committed herself to long-term changes within herself so that she could feel emotional stability and then attract a man who was not an aggressive controller.
- Self-awareness – Working with me, Holly became very self-aware of her patterns that were destructive in terms of a relationship. She saw how her instability of emotions led to her choice of a certain type of man. Noticing that pattern, she went further and noticed how similar each of her relationships really were, landing her in broken relationship pain or divorce, over and over again.
- Identification of Causes – Once Holly noticed her repeating patterns, the next step was to find the root cause. The root was a controlling mother who was constantly feeding Holly conflicting information about Holly’s worth. On an emotional roller coaster, Holly never grounded herself in feeling good or bad. She swung wildly and often teetered out of control, resulting in eating disorders, anxiety and depression. She could never answer the question “Who Am I?” and was easily taken over by powerful men.
- Self-Acceptance – Learning to focus on, accept and even predict her emotional swings helped Holly to step outside them and have some control over them. Once she brought her emotional swings under control, she felt much more powerful and in control of her own life. Now she was ready to reinvent herself with a vengeance.
- Changing Beliefs – Rooting out the cause of her toxic and dysfunctional relationship pattern led directly to our challenging Holly’s inconsistent beliefs about herself. She was able to leave the old limiting beliefs in the past and create new and positive liberating beliefs about herself. Since beliefs are the foundations for our feelings, Holly began to feel strong and resilient on her own, without needing a man.
- Visioning What She Wanted in Life – Grounded in her new liberating beliefs, Holly now was able to define the kind of man and relationship her new more positive and stable personality wanted. She fully fleshed out the picture of her most important wants and needs in terms of a relationship.
- Moving Out to Get It – Holly next spent a lot of time figuring out what she wanted and didn’t want, and how she would know her best candidates. This clarity helped Holly create a clear and unwavering picture to compare candidates with as she moved out in the world. Within five months, a new and fabulous man came along – and Holly has been happy and satisfied with this man for two years now.
Have you gone through the pain of breakup? Are you needing a breakup and divorce coach to help you reinvent and recover? We are here to help.
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About Us
Message from Dr. Diane Kramer
I am a psychologist, coach, marriage counselor, trainer, author and divorce mediator with more than 40 years of experience with helping people make deep changes. Based on “Suffering is Optional,” I developed the first Extraordinary Self Program in 2008 with a team to create positive change more quickly and thoroughly than traditional therapies. Our Extraordinary Self team has helped thousands. My life mission – I love to help people radiate self-love and confidence while developing the lives, careers and/or relationships they truly desire. I want this for you!Message from Donna Anselmo, M.S.
I am a coach, author, business strategist, and former AM/FM talk radio host who has partnered with Dr. Diane to expand and bring Extraordinary Self Programs, including our new Breakup and Divorce Recovery offerings, online. After also mastering the Suffering is Optional mindset, I have helped many to trade in the negative emotions holding them back for positive change, success, and satisfaction. My life mission – helping people unleash their inner resources, reinvent themselves, and launch the lives, careers and/or relationships they love. I look forward to helping you, too!