Extraordinary Self Key Ability #2
By Dr. Diane
Last week‘s blog focused on Extraordinary Self Key Ability #1, Unshakeable Self-Worth – that core foundation of feeling good about you no matter what. It takes time, skills and practice to be able to rest in that state continually. You may need to learn to be more mindful, accepting and self-compassionate. You may need to learn to change beliefs, let go of negativity, tell yourself a more positive life story, and live with more authenticity and passionate purpose. Let us know if you need help. (See last paragraph below.)
Today, we are turning to Key Ability #2, Overcoming Self-Defeating Patterns. I recently watched an inspiring short video – Jump – by Steve Garvey. Steve wants you to go for that breakthrough goal, that burning passion. “Just do it,” he says. Steve is a great motivator and he can really help us.
But what if you are stuck? There are hundreds of ways we stop ourselves. It could be pleasing others too much, perfectionism, procrastination and denial, blaming, trouble making decisions, feeling overwhelmed, not believing in yourself enough, and/or feeling undeserving and not valuable enough, etc.
Underneath it all is fear of failure and feeling ashamed of messing up – in others’ eyes and/ or our own eyes. Certainly anyone who feels this way and is stuck in Self-Defeating Patterns hasn’t yet learned to stay continually in the state of Unshakeable Self-Worth.
If I could have put a microphone into my brain whenever I was stuck in bad feelings or procrastination or convincing myself to not move forward, we all would have heard: “You can’t do it. You aren’t good enough. You haven’t learned enough. No one cares or will listen. Better to not even try.”
Ugghh! And what would you hear if you put a microphone into your brain? Would you hear Jump-ready Self-Talk like: “I am ready to do this. I feel good. I know what I can lose and am willing to take the risk – because I have a good plan, have thought through all the negatives, and have great people on my informal (or formal) board of advisors to help me through.“
Or would you listen to yourself beating you up with excuses and self-criticism? Some people have even convinced their brains to turn off the passionate purpose and unique gifts parts of their personalities. Why? Because going for it and losing is too dangerous to the ego’s sense of self. Failure is too threatening and anxiety producing for many.
So what’s stopping you from Jumping? And what can you do to start Jumping?
Here are some pointers I learned as I studied the lives and patterns of 25 extraordinary people who had learned to feel Unshakeable Self-Worth and from that core state, reach goal after goal. These individuals had learned to overcome or minimize their Self-Defeating Patterns.
I learned to:
- Become more mindful and notice my patterns – the good ones and the self-defeating ones. How? By asking myself how I kept stopping myself or making myself feel bad.
Your turn: Take out a notebook and start noticing your good and bad patterns. Write them down. Make a list to help raise awareness. - Self-distance or detach from negative patterns – between me and another person or within me. That means I first had to notice my patterns and the triggers that set them off, and then distance from the emotional pull and mind trap of the patterns. It’s almost like waking up and climbing out of a deep hole. Or noticing you are swimming underwater too long and emerging for a great gulp of air. Once free of the pattern, you can be more objective about how to conquer it without it slipping away.
Your turn: Write down a pattern you would like to learn to distance from. Write down the emotional pull and the thinking mind trap involved. - Take a peak under the hood and examine the core negative limiting beliefs behind my Self-Defeating Pattern. For me, my beliefs came from my mother whose highest ambition for me was to get married and let some man take care of me. She did not believe in my ability to succeed at my own goals.
Your turn: What underlying beliefs are stopping you or stressing you out? Write them down. - Change those underlying limiting beliefs – not an easy task but doable. I wrote down my limiting beliefs and what I wanted them to change to. I always included the word ‘learn’, like “I need to learn to value myself and my abilities more.”
Your turn: What do you want to transform your negative beliefs to? Write them down, starting with: “I need to learn to…” - Create a plan for the breakthrough and then carefully assess the risks and rewards involved – both quantitatively and qualitatively. I had to make sure I had all the necessary skills and resources, or could get them easily.
Your turn: Write down your plan for your breakthrough. Assess carefully the risks and rewards. - If all looks good, JUMP! I jumped a number of times in my life once I overcame my stoppers – the Self-Defeating patterns – that were getting in my way. I JUMPED to get the husband of my dreams, the houses of my dreams, and the business of my dreams.
Your Turn: Are you ready to JUMP? Or do you need to alter your plan to better fit with reality? Keep changing your plan until you come out a winner, and then JUMP!
Change takes time and practice to become a habit, but you can make it happen. Extraordinary Self Programs are designed to guide you through change, one step at a time, for sustainable results. To learn how we can help with both Unshakeable Self-Worth and Overcoming Self-Defeating Patterns – so that you can take your own JUMPS, contact us at coaches@extraordinaryself.com or learn more at www.extraordinaryself.com. — Thanks, Dr. Diane
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Dr. Diane (Kramer) is a long-time relationship and business coach, psychologist, divorce mediator, author and marriage counselor. Dr. Diane brings insight, wisdom, warmth, and powerful tools to help her clients recover from toxic and painful relationships with self and/or other – in personal life and business. She teaches the mind set, skill set and action set to feel continually self-loving and powerful while reaching success goals time-after-time in all areas of your life.
Donna (Anselmo) M.S., Dr. Diane’s partner, is a long-time business and relationship coach, best-selling author, hypnotherapist, radio personality and branding/marketing specialist who uses wisdom, compassion, insight and powerful tools to lead her clients to recover from toxic and painful relationships with self and/or others. She then leads her clients to build successful lives, step-by-step, in the areas of relationships, career, business and personal life.
Co-founders of the award-winning Extraordinary Self Transformation Programs, Donna and Dr. Diane draw their tools from Psychology, Neuroscience, Neuro-linguistic Programming (think Tony Robbins) and MIndfulness Practices.
Donna and Dr. Diane have helped thousands of Extraordinary Self graduates transform. “We look forward to helping you.”
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