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pop art Brunette woman depicting someone working through a relationship breakup


“How can I recreate or reinvent myself when I am so broken? asked one of our clients. She had hired me as her breakup and divorce coach to help her reinvent her life after her most recent marital breakup.

Holly (not her real name) had already been married twice. She had gone through as many relationships as the women starring in “Sex and the City.” Given the amount of “love pain” she had experienced at each breakup, Holly thought of herself as a loser at relationships. At 48, Holly had yet to establish a really loving relationship. Why? While she easily attracted men, she always attracted the same toxic relationship type.

Here was the pattern: Given Holly’s lack of emotional stability, whenever she began to feel unloving toward herself, insecure, and needing of someone to cling to, Holly put on the charmer part of her, went out, and hooked a new man. That man was always the take-charge type who brought Holly some
emotional stability – but at a price. The price to pay was being controlled by this same strong man.

For awhile, being controlled suited Holly just fine. Needing that strong energy, she borrowed from it and let herself be controlled. However, as time passed, in each relationship, Holly’s authentic self began to emerge. She felt stronger and started to assert her own choices. Intense conflict followed. Finally the walls of anger on both sides became so strong that the couple called it quits.

Did Holly learn from repeating the same pattern over and over? No, because she was not aware of the pattern. She had no idea that she needed to (or even could) create change in herself and create more self-awareness regarding her choices in men. She started noticing her patterns so she could change them.

Through divorce coaching, Holly learned many ways of reinventing herself. While healing from her divorce, Holly was determined to change and not repeat the same mistakes ever again she applied her energies to re-creation of her life.

  1. Commitment – Holly committed herself to long-term changes within herself so that she could feel emotionally stable. That would help her not need to attract a person who would control her life for her. Then, she could focus on attracting a man who was not caught in his own pattern of aggressively controlling others.
  2. Self-awareness – Working with me, Holly became very self-aware of her patterns that were destructive to her relationships. She saw how her emotional instabilit led to her choice of a certain type of man. Noticing that pattern, she went further and noticed how similar each of her relationships had been, landing her in broken relationship pain or divorce, over and over again.
  3. Identification of Causes – Once Holly noticed the recurring patterns playing out over and over, her next step was to find the root cause. Holly recounted a controlling mother who constantly fed Holly conflicting information about Holly’s worth. Living on an emotional roller coaster, Holly never grounded herself. Instead, she swung wildly and often teetered out of control – based on outside opinions. This resulted in eating disorders, anxiety and depression. She could never answer the question, “Who Am I?” So, she was easily taken over by powerful men.
  4. Self-Acceptance – Learning to focus on, accept, and even predict her emotional swings helped Holly to step outside them and gain some control. Once she brought her emotional swings under
    control, she felt much more powerful and in control of her own life. Now she was ready to reinvent herself with a vengeance!
  5. Changing Beliefs – Rooting out the cause of her toxic and dysfunctional relationship pattern led directly to our challenging Holly’s inconsistent beliefs about herself – together. Soon, she was able to leave the old limiting beliefs in the past. She created new and positive liberating beliefs about herself. Since beliefs are the foundations for our feelings, Holly began to feel strong and resilient on her own – without needing a man to make her feel good.
  6. Visioning What She Wanted in Life – Grounded in her new liberating beliefs, Holly now was able to define the kind of man and relationship her new more positive and stable personality wanted.
    She fully fleshed out the picture of her most important wants and needs in terms of a relationship.
  7. Moving Out to Get It – Holly next spent a lot of time figuring out what she did and didn’t want. As she gained clarity, she created a clear and unwavering picture of the type of relationship she wanted. She also figured out how she would know which people would be a good match for her and which weren’t. Holly was then ready to use her knew level of relationship awareness as she moved out in the world. Within five months, a new and fabulous man came along – and Holly has been happy and satisfied with this man for two years now.

Have you gone through the pain of breakup? Are you needing a breakup and divorce coach to help you reinvent and recover? We are here to help. To learn how we can help you, please book a free discovery call with us. Also visit our informational Breakup and Divorce Program Modules information page at BreakupandDivorce Recovery.com And, read our complimentary e-book: Recovering from Toxic and Dysfunctional Relationships, Breakups, and Divorce.

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