I remember a client, Evie, telling me years ago that she could not love herself more because her mother told her to love others more than herself. That was true humility according to her mother.
That kind of “mother attitude” breeds daughters (and even sons) who give up their own needs. Instead, they focus on pleasing and caretaking others. Good for others for sure – and makes the pleaser or caregiver feel good when serving others.
“You are so helpful!.” “Thank you. I really appreciate what you are doing for me.”, “I couldn’t do it without you,” sings praise into the ears of the pleaser or caregiver. That external feeding of worthiness is like a gourmet meal. The caretaker or pleaser pays less and less attention to their own needs and more and more to the needs of the other.
Sadly, there is a price to pay! The caregiver or pleaser focuses outward and first neglects, and then doesn’t notice, her own needs. This lack of self-compassion, self-love and self-care can lead to emptiness, depression and repressed anger. Liza, a client of mine, spent all her time serving Tim, her husband. She kept the house perfect and made sure to prepare gourmet meals for all his relatives. Putting up with ungrateful stepchildren, she was there for all their needs.
Over the years, Liza became less and less resilient. She wasn’t feeding herself the soul food of self-love and self-learning. Her repressed anger mounted, until one day it burst through the walls like a swarm of buzzing bees bent on attack. She screamed at her husband, her stepchildren and the relatives who had taken over the guest house. Of course, Tim, taken by surprise, had no clue as to what had triggered Liza into rages. Finally, he called 911 and had her taken in for psychiatric observation and testing.
Changes that Led to More Fulfillment
Once calmed, Liza did not return immediately to the dysfunctional family scene. That familiar situation could have easily caused her to put on the coat of the pleaser again. Instead, through hard work in our Extraordinary Self Program, Liza learned to self-love, self-care and have self-compassion. She learned that while others were important, so was she.
Respecting herself more, Liza practiced noticing the triggers that caused her to give up her own needs. Using those triggers as a guide, she then learned to shift her thoughts and feelings to: “I don’t want to feel compelled to please others. Instead, I want to feel good by pleasing myself now. What beliefs and thoughts do I need to hold in order to get there?”
When Liza returned home, she was ready to hold her boundaries and say no to her husband. The relatives left the guest house after their protracted stay. Her self-love, assertiveness and boundaries paid off big time. Tim, fortunately, recognized that the pattern had changed and now he had to put Lize into the equation – as someone to listen to and someone to respect. Together, Liza and Tim started working to set boundaries with the children. This too worked. And Liza joined our community of Extraordinary Selves.
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