A dirty plate left on the counter. A silence that lasts all evening. An exchange two people have had so many times that they both know what comes next.
Every couple has a version of their own. For some it is the dishes or the money. For others it is sex, children, work, or how much time to spend together. Whatever it is for you, the problem is real.
After fifty years as a psychologist and marriage counselor, I can tell you something about these moments. The trouble is not that they happen. The trouble is that the way you react to each other becomes a second problem. That second problem often gets in the way of solving the first.
Whatever the subject, your reactions often take the same shape. One of you attacks and the other withdraws. Or you both attack. Or you both withdraw. There are other shapes too, but these three are the ones I saw most often.
I call this repeating exchange the Couple’s Vicious Cycle. This book helps you discover and change the underlying roots of your part in the Cycle, and develop other ways to respond.
The book also teaches how to talk and listen to make sure that both people’s needs count, and how to build a stronger, more accepting relationship with yourself. Each is a step toward an Extraordinary Relationship, with your partner if that is possible. And if it is not, Chapter 9, “Hold or Fold?”, helps you think through whether to stay or to go.
The Kindle edition is on Amazon now for pre-order at $0.99, the price for its first two months. It arrives on your Kindle on November 30. No Kindle? The free Kindle app works on any phone, tablet, or computer. The paperback follows in early December.
P.S. If you are reading this late at night, after an evening that went the way those evenings usually go, here is what I would want you to know. Your painful patterns do keep coming back, and there is a reason. Chapter 1 gives you the reasons. If the book is not for you, you have lost twenty minutes. If it is, you will know by the second page.
Warmly,
Dr. Diane